The antidote to a bad mood + attitude
and a few photos from the most recent queer wedding I attended
hello beloved friends
I tried to write this newsletter last week and it put me in a terrible mood.
I tried to shake it by going to a yoga class, but I fogot how triggered I get in yoga spaces.
The instructor annoyed me, and I found myself seething through the long yin stretches.
When I finally made it to my car, ready to go to my favorite discount store, I realized another car had blocked me into my spot. I decided to kill time and get coffee, and I learned an important lesson
don’t expect good coffee at a vegan bakery…and definitely don’t order the matcha
The $6 matcha latte I ordered to help me pass the time was watery and disgusting. I think a coffee based drink had better chances of being delicious, but I didn’t consider the potential for failure until after I ordered.
I took my bad mood and disgusting drink back to my car where I wrote a mean note to the person who had blocked me into my spot. I vengefully stuck it on their windshield, but a few minutes later, when an elder walked up, I instantly felt shameful. I hurriedly grabbed the note from their windshield, and dismissed their apology.
the first thing I did was drive to my favorite, extremely reliable coffee shop and call my bestie Zumi
Zumi had the best reaction, which was to make a few jokes and ultimately celebrate the bad mood.
There’s something so powerful about releasing judgment of an emotional experience and allowing yourself to accept it and experience it.
Something about someone reacting positively to my bad mood and evil attitude allowed me to release it.
I think my bad mood truly sprang out of a moment of trying to write something meaningful in honor of Trans Day of Remembrance.
I am increasingly aware of my identity as an intersex person. While I do fall into the umbrella of Trans* expereince, and I claim it, and am so grateful to have found home within this identity, I also live outside of it.
I am so grateful to the concept of Trans* ness. I am so grateful to all the trans people who came before me, and all the Trans* people who are coming after me.
ultimately, this community saved my life. I never fit into the heterosexual mainstream culture that I was raised in as a child. When I found queerness, I found a community worth living for.
A community that could match my authenticity, my presence, and creativity.
One of my favorite things about Trans* people is how deeply we are ourselves.
Transitioning and living outside the gender binary is humbling, and often requires sacrificing our connection to our first communities that we grew up in weather that’s our family, our hometown, or our religious/spiritual home.
Sometimes when I connect with non-queer people I realize the impact of this sacrifice. My straight friends have taught me that sometimes If you aren’t forced to choose yourself, then you may spend your whole life living for another person’s approval.
Thank god I am able to stand in my truth with clarity and authenticity
I, like many Trans* people, have had a moment in my life where honoring my authentic self meant cutting off contact with my family. I am reconnected with my family now, but having to make the choice forever changed me.
At the end of the day, I chose myself and I found my community
I have spent the past couple of weeks since the election reflecting on the best way to prepare for what is coming.
For the most part, I feel resourced, protected, privileged and lucky. In moments where I am confronting a vague evil unknown future, it helps me to acknowledge risk and create a plan, but to also lean into self trust and trust in my community.
It is important to me that we clearly acknowledge the often unspoken violence that surrounds us.
In my last two newsletters I left out the section of the newsletter where I acknowledge the war and violence we are surviving. I think I felt hesitant, scared to say it wrong, nervous to talk about it.
I believe that white supremacy both relies on fear to supress our truth and toxic positivity to atrophy our ability to talk/ be present with things that are painful and uncomfortable.
Let’s take a breath and be uncomfortable together
At the time of writing this, it is Day 416 of the Palestinian genocide. Over 1.8 million people have been displaced by intercommunal violence in Sudan. Lebanon is being bombed by Isreal and their health infrastructure is being systemically targeted. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, communities continue to experience the impact of extractive capitalism. Children are especially vulnerable to violence related to the mining of minerals needed to power our “sustainable” technology.
In the United States, a dozen people have reportedly self-immolated at Virginia Supermax Prison to escape the intolerable and inhumane conditions. The conditions that multiple prisoners face in this institution are intolerable and we all need to talk about it and I think we also need to file complaints with the Virginia department of corrections.
Last week I went to an event specifically for communal public grieving. I am so grateful to have access to events like this. It reminds me of one of my favorite essays by Sonobonfu Some, Embracing Grief
Here is an excerpt I find powerful:
There can be so much grief that we grow numb from the unfelt and unexpressed emotions that we carry in our bodies. Unexpressed hurt and pain injures our souls, and can be linked directly to our general sense of spiritual drought and emotional confusion, not to mention the many illnesses we experience in our lives. Many of us suffer from medical conditions that are grief-related. Grieving, whether in private or in community, has many scientifically proven health benefits, from lowering blood pressure and risks of heart attacks to simply having a better quality of life.
We need to begin to see grief not as foreign entity and not as an alien to be held down or caged up, but as a natural process. As the recipient of someone’s grief we also must understand that it is OK for someone to express pain
If you have a beloved pet that you are continuing to love through grief, consider grieving in community with us! It’s not too late to contribute to the Earthworm Slumber Party pet, love & grief episode!
Our grief is meant to move us into powerful action
Here are some mutual aid resources, waiting for you to share your resource!
Middle East Children's Alliance
In addition to consistently sharing resources, I also encourage you to offer your time, attention, care, and presence. I truly believe that when we participate in a world outside of capitalism, we strengthen our liberatory infrastructure.
let me know if you have mutual aid resources I should share in my next newsletter!
THANK U FOR READING !!!! TTYS <3
I couldn’t stop reading! No need to hold a grudge bc I came here to read the whole thing😂I loved the share!