How to say No

a life saving skill

Dec 05, 2024

∙ Paid

This newsletter, like all my newsletters, will contain many photos of API because he is brilliant at saying NO and YES, and he is my teacher in expressing emotion and knowing what the fuck he wants

My friends I am excited to share my knowledge around this incredibly important topic (HOW TO SAY NO) with you, but there is only so much I can cover over email.

I’m working on a little workshop on how to say no!

If this is exciting to you, then I encourage you to sign up for the waitlist, where I will be sharing an exclusive discount code for the course when it is released :)

JOIN THE WAITLIST!!!

saying no can save your life

Our lives are more than our physical body and breath (although breath is vitality and power). Our life is also our passion, our soul, our free time, our rest, our joy.

api owns my soul, my rest, my freetime, and my joy

if you can’t say no anyone can take your peace, and you will just give to them, they won’t even know they are hurting you.

api was 10000% hurting me here, but I was ok with it.

I say this as someone who previously felt intense somatic discomfort and paralysis whenever I would say no. Sometimes I still feel this way.

My journey to saying no comfortably began with compassionate self observation

Being able to observe myself with a loving non judgemental gaze allowed me to acknowledge my behaviors and communicate them to the people around me proactively.

It is extremely vulnerable to say, “when I get overwhelmed it’s difficult for me to make decisions” or, “ when I express a boundary I really need you to celebrate it and help me enforce it.”

when Api is overhwhelmed he sometimes attacks…honestly relatable

However, the trust, vulnerability, and clarity that emerges from these transparent conversations is powerful.

Similarly, I think I sometimes avoid saying no because I’m worried about letting someone down or creating a break in our connection, but in truth, saying no can actually strengthen a connection.

just two chill guys who love to say no, but in this photo are both saying YES

If we can’t say no comfortably, then how can people trust us when we say yes?

have you ever lost trust in another person’s yes?

Perhaps you felt in your gut that they were saying yes when they meant no, but you took their yes at face value, only for the no to emerge weeks or months later in an explosion of resentment.

I have been both people in this hypothetical scenario, although if I’m honest I have been the person who gives a false yes more often then I want to admit.

Api always reminds me that if there is not a clear yes or no… maybe is also an option

saying yes when we mean no is a sign of activation

I notice that there can be a great deal of shame about struggling to say no, but it is often a learned behavior, and for many of us a sign of unhealed trauma. Becoming emotionally overwhelmed and defaulting to a response that doesn’t represent how we actually feel is literally a trauma response.

I want to know how api learned to be so straightforward!!

What are we avoiding when we avoid saying no?

In the second episode of Earthworm Slumber Party, “Opulence Meets A Golden Buddha”, my cohost Nisha shares a recent teaching from Louis Mojica who shares that people pleasing is a way to protect ourselves from another person’s dysregulation. I’ve added the video below, and that tidbit of information is shared at 12:06

Ultimately my ability to say no is directly correlated with my capacity for discomfort.

Whether I am tolerating my own somatic discomfort or dealing with another person’s dysregulation, the skill set is ultimately the same.

I made a little video for you all, to build on the skill set of staying present with discomfort.

You can watch it here

If you are able to, please subscribe to my youtube channel and share it with a friend! This is a really easy (and free!) way to support my work

Visit My Youtube

When I expand my capacity to say no, I also unlock my ability to give an enthusiastic yes

We need to say no to fascism, AND we need to say yes to global resistance and liberation

We need to be able to say no to extractive capitalism, and give an enthusiastic yes to indigenous peoples

We need to stand in our no as we reject the militarization of police, and we need to protect our water and forests.

We need to say no to imperialist dehumanization, genocide, and violence, and say yes to mutual aid

it is all in the small

Our personal decisions and our ability to stand in our truth in relationships directly correlates to our ability to resist oppression.

Also, from personal expierence, the more I say no, the more beautiful my life has become.

I want to share a delicious yes with you!!!

This is my beautiful and legendary friend, Naomi. I met them this summer when I went camping in the woods with a bunch of gay people ( more about this in a future paid section of the newsletter) I think of Naomi as a pleasure goddexx, and their presence in my life fills me with joy and possibility.

When I met Naomi, it felt like a reward, an answer to a prayer that I sent up to the heavens when I was down and out over my break up.

I said no to an unhealthy relationship, even though it was extremely addicting, and I trusted that it was the right move. Each day I put one foot in front of the other even as I longed to cling to my toxic relationship, not really knowing where I was going, but hoping it was better than where I was.

Longtime newsletter readers remember this time, as I frequently wrote about the pain of my break up.

When I finally met Naomi, it was like “OK, YES! I MADE IT.” This is the energy I was walking towards! this person, their stunning energy, their warm encompassing heart, the joy, sensuality, and possibility I felt around them, it all made sense.

Sharing space with Naomi was transformative, and plunged me into a spiritual growth spurt. Overnight, I felt myself evolve and change, and the possibilities for joy and abundance around me open.

Some people are like that, you meet them and it’s almost like reality bends, breaks open, and then re-forms at a higher potential. Naomi is one of those people

You too can be transformed! Naomi is a published author! You can purchase a book of Naomi’s poems here.

Naomi is generous enough to give us an opportunity for an enthusiastic yes !

with just $10 you can offer some love and stability to this precious, divine person’s housing situation. I really believe when we say yes to each other we transform our reality, especially when it is an aligned, enthusiastic yes!