32, Renewed, and Basking in my own Bullshit

Resting in my own bullshit; reflections on self accountability and friendship

Hello beloved friends!

This is my first post only for people who have donated to me in some way! I am very excited to be writing this. Thank you all so much for your support, I really appreciate you.

I am so excited to have a space where I can share more intimately about my life. This space feels like a secret garden. Thank you all for choosing to be here with me.

Flowers blooming in my mom’s garden!

I am back in my South Carolina home and reflecting on bullshit.

Did you know that cow dung is literally medicine?

I always intuitively knew it was sacred and had many uses, and that humans and cows have been in a sacred relationship for thousands of years.

But I really had no idea about the extent of medicinal properties. In addition to Cow dung being a fertilizer, a building material, and a fuel source, it is also a source of healing for our eyes, our skin, and lungs.

Learning about the literal medicinal qualities of bullshit has felt satisfying because it is very much in harmony with my metaphorical beliefs about bullshit.

If you know me in real life, then you know that I am a growth-driven person. I often compare my younger self to a plant placed in a dark room that rapidly throws out vines, finds the crack of the door, and makes its way to light. I am continuously in awe of my younger self’s determination to seek out healing in order to live out the wild fantasy of being loved and valued in my full authentic self.

As I have grown older and am no longer having to rapidly find light to sustain my survival, I have come to appreciate the power of resting in my own bullshit as a strategy for growth.

Sometimes we have to linger in our shadow, to rest in our lives and selves as they truly are, bullshit and all.

I have spent the past year dealing with a record amount of bullshit from myself and others.

When navigating high levels of bullshit, it’s easy to be angry, frustrated, and blame others. To feel like we are not having the experience that we deserve. To resist.

Ultimately, our resistance comes across as frantic entitlement that masks fear as we are pulled into the transformative rhythm of life.

While this can be dramatic, for me, it has been tedious.

I moved from Los Angeles to be closer to my family in South Carolina. I endured multiple platonic and romantic heartbreaks that occurred at the same time as I moved back to my hometown, in the conservative Christian suburbs of upstate South Carolina.

The whole experience has been humbling, lonely, nourishing, and unexpected. I initially resisted, but I have come to accept the reality of my situation, and through resting inside of it, I have been able to absorb the healing aspects of this situation that I would never have chosen.

It was through this flurry of bullshit, in fact, that my beloved podcast, Earthworm Slumber Party emerged. You can watch on YouTube or find us on Spotify or Apple Podcast!!

While I didn’t choose this specific situation, I did make choices that led me here. I chose to move away from my beautiful community in Los Angeles (see my previous post for details).

I was reminded of this when I visited LA for my birthday and was reminded that, yes, my life there was real. I really do have deep and authentic friendships. Being in the presence of my friend’s love after six months away was like being transported to a different reality.

I was lifted out of the quiet tempo of South Carolina and my stagnant emotions of hurt and sadness into a fast-moving flurry of laughter, hugs, birdsong, and night-blooming jasmine. Only to be lifted out of the energy after ten days, and dropped back into my South Carolina home.

Coming home was a mixed experience of relief and sadness, adjusting to the shift of pace and stimulation as I rebuilt my tolerance for loneliness.

I wanted to share about this, because my last post is so aspirational. It feels important to make room for the reality of my experience, which contains moments of intense connection and joy, and also has moments of deep solitude, loneliness, anger, and sadness.

In the past, I would deal with these difficult emotions by obsessively blaming myself